reflections and resolutions
on this past year and thoughts for the next (very list-y, i apologize in advance)
I keep seeing all these TikToks of “things I don’t regret from 2022,” usually talking about things people have bought or trips they went on. And as much as I don’t enjoy giving into trends, I do think it is a good form of self-reflection on the past year. So, instead of talking about my purchases (which always feels like bragging), I want to look back on my year and what happened during each month, and maybe talk about things that I don’t regret, maybe not. This is a loose concept if you can’t tell. In addition to that, I want to give myself twelve things to improve upon in 2023. I don’t really like saying “making a New Year’s Resolution” because I think that it has a bit of a negative connotation to it, but there are things in my life that could use a bit of resolving, so what the hell.
January
My 2022 opened with a bang. My very first Snapchat memory from this year is a photo of me with text that says “my favorite part of 2022 has been reading andrew garfield fanfiction.” I wish I could say I found the fanfiction I was reading, but it has mysteriously disappeared… Anyway, January was a good month for me. I was chosen to lead a retreat (which we’ll get to later, don’t worry) and I was pretty optimistic about the whole year. I started my last semester of high school, I saw Wicked on tour, I woke up at 6 am almost every day, and I had a literal 10% in College Biology. So not bad.
February
February was a long month. I was still waking up at 6 almost every day for forensics, but I was making headway on my speeches. If you don’t know, forensics is basically just competitive speech and debate, with tons of different events. I was writing a speech about fanfiction (I may post it at some point, it’s actually pretty good) and working on a few other events. The retreat I was leading took place, and it went okay. I don’t want to divulge too many secrets here, but I think it really changed my perspective on things, even though I was working behind the scenes a lot and wasn’t an attendee. I interviewed for the university I attend now’s Honors Program (spoiler: I got in), I ate a lot of Chipotle, and I played the piccolo at a lot of basketball games. We had a school dance that was disco-themed, and I’m extremely disappointed in my outfit choice, I really think I could have done better.
March
In March, I did a lot more forensics, a lot more band, and a lot more crying over college rejections and calculus. I watched Bridgerton and cried. I shopped for a prom dress and cried because I hated my body. I had multiple flute lessons and cried because I was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I didn’t want to play the flute anymore. I didn’t go on vacation over Spring Break and cried because I felt like I was missing out (I get major FOMO sometimes). So, March was essentially just a month full of crying.
April
April was good, though. I found my literal dream prom dress the day before prom, and I got it for free! I went to prom with one of my oldest and best friends, and we had a great time. The afterparty was not as fun, but the fact that we were together made it tolerable. I learned how much I actually enjoy writing and editing essays, and for the first time in years thought that maybe I didn’t want to pursue a career in psychology. I participated in my last district solo competition (with flute and piccolo) and got high scores! Which meant I wasn’t done; I was moving on to state. I was actually devastated to hear that I had to keep playing and keep performing because I hated the flute, I hated the accompanist (he was a dick), and I hated the fact that playing the flute was the only thing I was known for and would be my “legacy” from high school. I went to my grandfather’s funeral and didn’t cry. As high school teetered toward a close, I realized that I wasn't sure if I was ready to move on. I hadn’t even chosen a college and everything was just really scary.
May
I made my college decision the day they were due, and I wasn’t actually happy about it. It was not my top choice, and I still am not completely set on the idea that it was the right choice for me. The school year ended, and I felt out of place doing all of our high school senior traditions; it just didn’t feel real. I went to state for forensics, which was actually really fun even though I placed 7th. I graduated, and went to so many grad parties but didn’t have my own. I was too afraid that no one would show up because I genuinely thought that no one from my high school actually liked me. Harry Styles released an album that I listened to religiously. I went to more grad parties, had more late nights with my friends, and questioned the meaning of a half-mast McDonald’s flag (seriously, what does it mean?). I went to state solo competitions and scored the highest score possible and yet I still cried on the way home.
June
I had more grad parties in June, but I knew that I couldn’t just sit on my ass all summer. I went out searching for jobs and got one (I still work there!). I continued to spend long nights out with my friends so that I didn’t have to stay home and think about the fact I would be leaving in a few months. The exchange students left and I cried because it meant that the school year was really over (and because I love them and miss them very much!) I was still going to flute lessons and still preparing for recitals. I stargazed, I went to a summer preview for college, I went to the lake 9and took some of my favorite photos of myself ever), and took many mirror selfies in the QuikTrip bathrooms.
July
I worked a lot in July, did some thrifting, and just tried to enjoy my last full month of summer. I went to the drive-in, attempted (and failed) to romanticize seeing fireworks, obsessed over Stranger Things, rewatched Twilight (for the umpteenth time), and went to a grand opening of a Half-Price Books (yes this was a highlight it was incredible we were the first people in the store), worked some more, and read a lot.
August
It was in August that I discovered my crippling fear of Austin Butler. I don’t think I can explain it to you, but that man scares the living shit out of me. I spent my last few days of summer with all of my siblings, before packing my life up and moving to a different state. I had never done anything like this before, and I was scared. Saying goodbye to people was not something I had ever been good at, and it wasn’t something that I was prepared to do. I was kind of a mess, especially after saying goodbye to one of my friends; he hugged me in my driveway for about 10 minutes before leaving, and as soon as he pulled away I started sobbing. We would no longer be just a five-minute drive away, and even though we didn’t hang out all the time, it just felt wrong. But college was fun! I was living on my own, I was making my own decisions, and I liked my classes. I felt like I was making good friends, and I accidentally took the elevator with my now-favorite professor on the first day of class (it was really awkward because I didn’t know who he was at the time, but I took a picture of his shoes because I wasn’t sure if he was my professor or not but I wanted to document it anyway. turns out I was right). I had fun!
September
Not much to report about September; I really just started to get into the swing of things and school was feeling less like summer camp and more like school. I loved having friends that lived right across the hall from me, and I felt like people actually cared about who I was as a person, and they really wanted to get to know me for me. The Honors Program went on a retreat in the woods, which feels like a dream, I barely remember any of it. My parents came in town for Parent’s Weekend, and life was pretty good.
October
Things started to go downhill in October, but not until the end of it. I went home for Fall break and tried to just take a real break. I cut my hair (and regretted it), I read some books, and then went back to school. Over Halloween/my birthday weekend, I lost all my friends and had a full mental breakdown. I wrote about this in a different post, so go read that if you haven’t.
November
November was extremely hard for me. I fell into a depressive state and barely left my room, only to go to class and get food (to then eat alone in my room). My roommate was never really around, so I had a lot of time to sit and think and cry by myself. I spoke to almost no one and only talked to a handful of people that I had gone to high school with. I absolutely hated what was happening and I missed having friends. Don’t get me wrong, I was grateful for the people I did have, but my core friend group had abandoned me. I started to go to therapy for the first time, which helped, but it was not going to magically give me friends, which I felt like I needed.
December
All my finals came and went, and I actually didn’t do too badly. I worked hard for the grades I got, and I feel like I was deserving of them. I went home and started working again (I was just there today!). I’ve been visiting with friends from high school and realizing that no, they don’t hate me! I haven’t tried to force any conversations with people from college, and I haven’t decided yet what I need to do to move on. Christmas was nothing special, but it never really is in my household. I’m grateful for the time that I get to spend with my family, but lately, I’ve been ready to go back to school. I have had a lot of time to myself, and I feel like I’m finally healing from my depressive/anxious spiral.
So where does that leave me? I have some resolutions (or goals, whatever you want to call them) for the new year, but I’ve never been one to make goals like “go to the gym” or “read ten books,” so here are 12 attainable resolutions I’m going to attempt to stick to in 2023:
1. Write more. I don’t care what it is I’m writing, but I want to do more of it. Poetry, essays, notes, anything. I just want to write.
2. Be less critical. One of my major flaws is that I am extremely judgemental, of both myself and others. I want to try and stop focusing on things I find to be “wrong” and try and be more accepting of the way things are.
3. Love the way that I look. I have always struggled with body image issues, but these past few months, I have really learned how to dress in a way where I feel good. I want to stop trying to change my appearance to the way I think others want me to look and start thinking about how I want to look.
4. Go to therapy. I think this is pretty self-explanatory, but I want to consistently have therapy sessions to work on my mental health. Consistency is key here, and I want to make progress in my healing.
5. Budget better. I have the worst spending habit, and I really need to curb it. I want to completely cut down on my spending (especially on clothes), so I can start saving for trips and experiences I may want to have in the future.
6. Go on first dates. This seems kind of stupid, but let me explain. I hate first dates, with a burning passion. I think trying to get to know a stranger in a compact time is never going to work, and it’s always just so uncomfortable and awkward. But I want to embrace that uncomfortability and awkwardness, and I want to force myself to go on first dates. They don’t have to be good, they don’t have to end well, I just want to do it.
7. Keep up with old relationships. I think if this past year has taught me anything, it’s taught me that I need to be grateful for the people in my life that have been there for a long time. So I want to do a better job of being a friend for those who have been a friend to me (if you’re reading this ily and thank you for being there for me).
8. Take the stairs. I hate the gym, so I know that if I say I’ll go to the gym I won’t actually do it. Instead, I want to try and take the stairs (up or down) from my 9th-floor dorm at least once a week (hopefully more). Technology is great, but sometimes the stairs are needed.
9. Go on a trip. Believe it or not, I have never, ever been on a plane by myself. Now, I’m not saying I need to go on a trip alone, but I want to do something. Maybe spring break, I don’t know. But I want to go somewhere I’ve never been to before, with the only purpose being to experience it, not to visit family or to do anything other than enjoy it.
10. Keep my spaces clean. I’ll be the first to admit I have a clutter problem, but I need to take action. It’s hard for me to work in a dirty environment, so I want to try and fix that.
11. Listen to more music. I feel like I have horrible taste in music, so I want to try and listen to new albums. Maybe I’ll try a new album each week, but I’m not sure yet.
12. Fix broken relationships. This is going to be the hardest, I already know. But I think it will be worth it in the long run. And if I can’t fix anything, at least I will have tried, and that’s good enough for me.
Over break, I’ve watched a lot of What We Do In The Shadows, a mockumentary-style TV show about vampires. It’s really good, but you should definitely watch the movie first. I’ve been reading a lot of Stephen King lately too, so pick up one if his books sometime soon.